Unplugging, Solitude, and Connection

Last night I finished reading Tiffany Shlain's book 24/6; it is about how her family unplugs from screens one day a week. They've taken a weekly Technology Shabbat for the past 10 years. In November, I'm embarking on a plan to drastically cut down my screen time and unplug once a week.

This is my second attempt at writing about this topic. Last night, after work, I wrote. That post was a giant justification for my social media use. The entire post descended - as things tend to do right now - into a rant on the demise of my marriage, whining about loneliness, and how I tried to use likes and swipes to bolster my self-esteem. To make a long story short, my self-esteem is non-existent, I'm feeling adrift, and I don't like sitting with the discomfort of my emotions. I scroll through Facebook, I watch countless Tik Tok videos, I creep back onto online dating sites and I do it to replace being truly connected to other people, to fake a connection to myself. Avoidance. Distraction. Let's call it what it is... depression. That combo of restlessness and apathy is dangerous. The more time I spend avoiding things with the scrolling, liking, and swiping, the further in the depression well I go. I cannot take my mind out of the iron cage.

I picked up 24/6 because I knew that I needed a change. I need to stare down loneliness and embrace it as solitude. To me, loneliness is an absence, a lack. Solitude sustains and is restorative. Loneliness is a thing that happens to me (he didn't want me, he isn't here). Solitude is a thing I have chosen (I am enough for myself and I choose to be respected). Staring at a screen is akin to looking in the warm window of a happy home. I can see the joy and connection and I feel so outside of all of it.

Shlain's book discusses why it is important to unplug, but most of the book is concerned with the practical aspects. How do I unplug for an entire day? What does that look like? What possibilities or challenges will I encounter? When was the last time I maintained good eye contact and an empathetic listening ear and didn't distractedly pick up my phone? Can I sit in stillness and silence? Is my life steeped in gratitude or concerned with the things and experiences I don't, or no longer, have? When was the last time I was outside and focused on my surroundings? Do I approach the things I love to do with mindfulness and joy or is it another task to accomplish and document? Can I hold my children's' faces in my memories or do I remember my kids in an Instagram picture? Am I finding meaningful ways to connect with the people and the world around me?

As I read 24/6, I thought about solitude and silence, memory and connection, calming my anxiety, and finding fulfillment in the nowness and realness of my life. Then I started thinking about Virginia Woolf and how in the diaries, in essays, and in her novels she emphasizes the importance of interiority. Solitude and silence are necessary for voice and connection. I need voice and connection and I'm only going to gain that by having time to be reflective and intentional in how I spend my time alone.

Shlain is by no means anti-screen or anti-social media. Instead, she advocates for mindfulness in how and when one chooses to connect. By unplugging, even for one day, Shalin says she feels re-calibrated, refreshed, and refocused. Her creativity spikes and her connection with her family blossoms. In discussing social media use, Shlain cautions, "be careful who you let into your head." I haven't done well with monitoring who I let in my head.

Shlain's Technology Shabbat's are not cocooned in solitude. Her family begins their screen-free 24-hours by sharing a big meal with a group of friends. Perhaps, I need to focus on meeting friends for coffee or having them over for a meal and less on liking everyone's Facebook post.

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In November, I'm starting my own Unplugged day. Shlain discusses the nuts and bolts of unplugging in the latter quarter of the book and I've adopted many of her suggestions. In her "Things to Think About" chapter, Shlain discusses how to frame and plan one's tech-free day by asking a few key questions.

What brings me joy? Reading, writing, knitting, baking, sleeping, writing long letters, playing board games with friends, deep conversations, cups of coffee, hearing my kids giggle, tall trees and quick streams, music, museums, and bookshops. All of these things are possible without a screen.

What qualities do I want to develop? Patience, self-control, gratitude.

What habits do I want to break? zoning out, encouraging bitterness, shopping online, perpetually seeking validation from men via social media and dating apps (ouch... honesty is difficult).

What habits do I struggle with the most? Constantly staring at my phone. Ignoring what I need and want to do in order to avoid thinking and feeling.

What will be the hardest thing? Ummm... not absentmindedly falling into old habits.

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Now it is time for the details. How am I going to make this work?

• I've chosen Friday for my Unplugged day. At 10 p.m on Thursday, I will put my phone away and I will not check it again until 10 a.m. Saturday morning. What? That's more than 24-hours?! I'm going to do it. I think I need to do it. I'm excited about potentially getting my ability to focus on reading and writing back! 
• I'm allowing myself to use Spotify on my television. I'm also allowing Waze, Spotify, and my audiobook app when driving. 
• I'm purchasing a watch this weekend. No, not an Apple or Google watch... an actual watch to tell time. 
• There are a few screen exceptions. On Friday nights when I have my kids, we always watch a movie together. I'll still do that. I just won't be staring at my phone during the movie. I'll also allow occasional trips to the cinema. 
• I've developed a social media announcement post and a text message reply for when I am unplugged. 
• I'm going to avoid texting, but I will have to be available for phone calls (#parentinglife). 

Other tech trimming:

• I've ordered an alarm clock and my phone is no longer permitted in my bedroom at night. 
• Facebook, Snapchat, and Tik Tok are removed from my phone. 
• My phone goes into my purse at work. I can check my phone on my dinner break. 
• I'm blocking Facebook from my work computer. 
• Dating apps? Nope. 

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Yesterday, my good friend Liz shared a podcast with me and another friend. In episode 8, The Opposite of Addiction, we hear from author Johann Hari. Hari has researched the link between a lack of human connection and addiction, depression, and anxiety. Hari advocates for more human connection that isn't filtered through social media algorithms. He wants more people talking and working together to develop authentic moments of connection instead of chatting through screens.

Embracing solitude and seeking connections are complementary goals. When I have time to disconnect from distraction and focus on reading, creating, and resting, I find that I am ready for richer conversations and I seek to share my experiences in a more authentic way.

Having most of my connections happen through screens leaves me feeling like Voldermort drunk on unicorn blood,

The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something pure and defenseless to save yourself, and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips. 

Sure, texts, posts, and pics keep me marginally social and connected. But it really feels like a half-life. I don't get the deliciousness of solitude or the delight of spending time with people I care about. It is half-life. It is draining and unfulfilling.

I'll be unplugging one day a week and limiting technology. I'm optimistic that I'll regain my ability to enjoy the hobbies I love, I'll be more focused and productive at work, and I'm going to intentionally seek out interactions and connections with others. I'm excited about 10 p.m. on Halloween night. Let's see how this project progresses.