I am no bird

Art by Kitty-Grimm

My marriage began with Jane Eyre.

Or, rather, I was reading Jane Eyre when I realized I loved the person I would eventually marry.

I was at Starbucks and it was a rainy, summer day. I was reading Jane Eyre. I looked up and at the table across from me was a broad-shouldered, handsome, mohawked, tattooed artist. He was sketching. I was smitten.

Three months later he gave me a tattoo of a bird on my right, inner forearm. A year after that day in Starbucks we were dating and after three months of dating, we were engaged. A few days after our wedding, I took a picture of me holding my Jane Eyre coffee mug with a "reader, I married him" message. Our youngest daughter's middle name is Jane and it is in honor of that book.

Now, I'm getting divorced after 11 years with that man I loved so well. I've turned once again to Jane Eyre. Primarily, this passage:

Jane, be still; don't struggle so like a wild, frantic bird, that is rending its own plumage in its desperation."
"I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being, with an independent will; which I now exert to leave you.

"I am no bird: and no net ensnares me" has been my anthem for my divorce. I have plans for a post-divorce tattoo of this line above the bird tattoo my ex-husband gave me. If I'm being honest, I feel more like the wild, frantic bird rending my own plumage in desperation.

No net to ensnare me can mean that I have freedom, agency, and an ability to fly towards the future I want. It also means that I have no net to catch me, no net to support me, no net to keep tethered to home.

I'm skittish and wary. I vacillate from feeling freedom and power to desperately lonely and lost. I've dated quite a bit and I feel sorry for anyone who has had any variety of romantic entanglement with me in the past few months. I want commitment and stability and then flip my shit and run the other direction if there's a hint of commitment and stability. I don't know what I want.

I can tell you what I don't want; I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

I'm an introvert by nature and I've always craved space to read, write, and daydream. I had imagined that my child-free weekends would be cozy and calm. I'd work on making my home mine with all the ridiculous thrift store paintings and twinkle lights and scented candles a girl could want. I'd read stacks of books uninterrupted and start writing some poems.

Instead, I've worked very hard to cram as much time as possible with people. Some of this time has been spent with friends, and their compassion, wisdom, and love have kept me going. I am so loved by friends new and old.

But what do I do with the other hours? If I sit at home I cry. I'm in agony over the kids' fall break and their being gone from me for an entire week. Christmas will feel weird with just me and the kids. I can't read or write or focus. I listen to music and think over what happened, what could have been, and the future.

So I go out on date after date after date after date. I fill up all the hours with people who will show me affection and tell me I'm worthy.

When I get home I feel even worse. The loneliness intensifies.

I'm rending my plumage in desperation. I'm spending myself down. I cannot sit alone with my thoughts on how empty my life feels. If I feel a connection with someone I'm quick to end it and move on. Or, I place that person firmly in a friend - or sometimes even a friend with benefits -category. I build as much cool distance and dismissal as I can. The more I like you, the more likely I am to runaway.

Art by Mari Andrew

All of these partners bump that big bruise that stretches across my heart. It reminds of what was there that now isn't. It teases that I could possibly have what I lost again. It hurts enough to scare me. When I'm dating, I feel like I am both too much and not enough and I wait for my partner to realize that they've made a mistake. This is bullshit. I still entertain the radical notion that I am enough as I am.

I've joked about taking a break from dating for ages and I never do. It isn't from a lack of quality partners. I've met some topnotch folks. I've thought about taking a break from dating because I'm overwhelmed with insecurity and fear and memories. I never actually take a break from dating because then I have to spend time alone and at home. It also doesn't help that I adore physical affection. I'm not talking about sex; I'm talking about someone to play with my hair while I fall asleep, hold my hand in the store, and kiss me like they adore me. Can I sit at home alone with no one to kiss and be okay? Of course, I will be okay. I won't feel okay.

At one point in Jane Eyre, Jane struggles with leaving Mr. Rochester - he is, indeed, a douche nozzle - because she knows that he loves her, but she doesn't want to compromise her own integrity and values. Mr. Rochester is still married to Bertha and has deceived Jane. Jane pushes against her urge to stay;

Feeling . . . clamoured wildly. 'Oh, comply!' it said. '. . . soothe him; save him; love him; tell him you love him and will be his. Who in the world cares for you? or who will be injured by what you do?' Still indomitable was the reply: 'I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.

 I need to care for myself. I have to be comfortable with solitude. There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. If I don't love - or even like - myself and I don't make choices I can respect, then I am never going to be able to love someone else. I've been filling up my life with distraction and I need to sit through the hurt, learn to be alone, and mend what's broken.

I'm going to try to be alone. Friends, yes! Friendship is necessary. Romance, however, will need to be shelved. It isn't fair to the people I have or will date. And I shouldn't feel lonelier after spending time with a partner. Missing them is one thing; feeling empty and adrift is an entirely different animal. I need to be okay - hell, more than okay - when I'm alone.

I'm going to work on sitting through the grief and working on myself. I'm in therapy and I've just started EMDR (a type of trauma therapy). I need to work on building my reading focus back. My journal has become a path for screaming self-loathing into the void and I want to bring it back to a practice that brings me joy, creativity, and insight. I want to mindfully parent my children. I want to nurture friendships with men and women. I want to quit desperately searching for My Person. I want to be My Person.

I'll need encouragement and wise friends to remind me that I am enough. I may not feel okay for a long while, but I will definitely be okay.